Letter to my 15yr old self

Hi Lisa!

You might not know me now, but you will know me later on in life. See, my name is Lisa, and to put this simply, I'm you. You see, I'm sitting in a dark dining room of a house you will know in the future  and I thought to myself there are some things I think you should know. I'm not sure the why of it all,  but maybe that will become more evident in this missive.

I want to begin by telling you a story. There once was a forest, and in this dark place, lived a she-wolf with her pups. She was a strong thing, always kind to her pack, loving with her pups, and free. Free to go wherever she pleased. By her side, after dealing with more line wolves than she'd care to admit(thank ya very much), there stood a wonderful male wolf. He was kind, bold, daring, and a bit of a jokester. Even though the she-wolf was strong, she was faltering. You see, she'd lost two pups through no fault of her own, members of her pack had left her, and she found herself not as free as she used to be. She would go through the motions doing wolfy things, but she had lost her way. That is a bad thing for an Alpha. It means that the rest of the pack is confused, unsure about what to do because their leader isn't there. When one falters, they all falter together. Well, in one of her usual trips for food and such, this she-wolf saw a ray of sunshine. She decided she would chase it and eat it, because that's what wolves do. She never stopped to think that it might be to replace the light in herself, because she'd become as dark as the forest. She chased it, tumbled a few times, and she thought she ate it. Well, the truth is, she didn't eat it. How can you eat a sunbeam? But, a funny thing happened to this she-wolf. She regained her strength, she walked in beauty, and for once felt she was at peace. When asked by her pack what changed, she'd mention the day she ate a sunbeam and it changed things for the better. The pack would smile and were happy for her, but they wondered what was up. Then, something happened to one of her pups; she wasn't as happy as her other pup, something was wrong. The she-wolf faltered and was angry because the sunbeam she ate must have gone out. She was so angry at the forest, at her pack, at the world, that she went out looking for a new sunbeam. She didn't find it and became angrier still. So she ran until she couldn't run anymore to get this anger out. When she stopped to catch her breath, there in front if her was a little meadow surrou ded by new trees, new flowers, and all throughout there were sunbeams! She didn't believe her luck and attempted to eat every single one of those sunbeams. Suddenly, after trying to eat the sunbeams for what must have been hours, she stopped. She looked around her and thought how silly she must look doing this thing. Seriously?! Sunbeams?! She thought, meditated, and tried to figure out why she felt so happy when she ate the first sunbeam. Did she eat it? She wasn't sure anymore but she knew that she felt happy, carefree, like her old self after that. Maybe that's what made her feel better! That she paused long enough to be impulsive and do something just to see where it went....like she used to before she had terrible times. Well, she trudged home, thinking all the way and she told the pack about her journey. That's what it was, a journey! She told them how she felt, how she was feeling, and that she wanted badly for things to change for the better. The pack felt her strength returning and so they were happy. It was almost like there was a chain connecting all of them and they were all themselves again. The she-wolf didn't know what was ahead of her, but she knew that as long as she remembered her sunbeam journey, she would be all right. She'd never let herself go back to that dark place in the forest again, she'd walk in sunlight and beauty wherever she went.

Do you understand the story, Lisa? That she-wolf in the forest? She's you. You as a young girl, as a young mother, as a young woman...she is you. I want you to know that there will be times that you will find yourself in that deep, dark part of the forest. You will feel lost, confused, and weak. I cannot promise that you will find that meadow of sunbeams right away, but I never want you to stop looking for it. You are not alone. You will have a great partner who will love you above all things, you will have two children here with you, and two you have lost. You will surround yourself with your own pack. And all will be as it was meant to...in its own time.